Postmarked, Undelivered
by IdPattThat
Summary: It's ironic to her that the ending of their relationship would come in such a small bundle of letters when what she felt was bigger than life.
1. The Lake

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with the series. **

**Additional disclaimer: I suggest you read the one shot entitled 'Letters' I wrote for "Mumbled Mumblings". I don't want there to be any surprises. **

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_Dear Bella, _

_You hate me. I know you do and I deserve it. I'm here in the fucking desert and people are dying and I've even killed some of them… but all I can think about is you. I see your face all the time. I miss you. I miss those little freckles on your shoulders and that crease you get between your eyes when you're angry or worried or sad. I've fucked everything up. I know I have. But sometimes at night I think about that summer we spent at the lake with our parents. I think I fell in love with you there. _

The summer of 2001 proved to be one of the hottest Washington had ever seen. The sweltering heat caused small children to stay indoors and parents, in turn, to yell at them. Animals were seen lounging under shade trees instead of roaming around neighborhoods. Young couples in love were forced to find refuge on small blankets under old oaks with sweaty legs intertwined and salty lips meeting roughly.

"My parents will be back soon," she whispered as her hands ran through his hair. It was a strange auburn color, the kind that most women would pay a lot of money for in a salon. She loved the way it felt in between her fingers and how it never, _ever_ seemed to behave. Sometimes, when it grew too long, it would curl around his ears and she wanted to constantly tuck it behind them for him.

"Stay with me," he said with his lips to her shoulder.

"They'll want me to have dinner with them." She sighed and turned to face him, tucking her arm under her head.

"Meet me tonight." He caught a strand of hair that had come undone from her messy ponytail as a result of their feverish kisses.

"I meet you every night, Edward," she laughed softly. He loved when she laughed, even a small chuckle. When she laughed her whole face lit up, shining eyes and pretty lips curved into a playful smile.

"Then I'll see you later?" he asked as he moved closer and wrapped his arm around her. He buried his face in her neck and she pushed him away in protest.

"Stop, I'm all sweaty!" she cried through her laughter. He held her arms above her head as he placed hot, open-mouthed kisses on her skin.

"I like the way you taste," he said when his mouth was above hers. Bella's breath caught in her throat as she stared into the emerald eyes of the boy-not-quite-a-man who'd become her very best friend.

"Then taste me," she breathed and when he did it felt like her body had caught fire from the inside. It wasn't the first time they'd kissed and she was certain it would not be the last.

But it was different.

It was soft and sweet, hard and intense, and so much more than she'd ever imagined a kiss could be.

When he finally pulled away, breathless, with his mouth tugging upward on one side, he knew something had changed, too.

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**Thanks to IAmToWait for beta-ing the original and for being so supportive of this little venture. **


	2. The Ribbon

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Not me. I promise. **

**Thanks again to IAmToWait for beta-ing. **

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_Dear Bella, _

_God, I'm an idiot. I should've married you when I was 18. Maybe then I wouldn't be here and miserable without you. I should've started my life with you. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry you put your life on hold for me. I'm sorry I'm such an ass. I'm sorry I only ever gave you a fucking ribbon to tell you how much I loved you. I should have given you the world. _

"That's the last of it," Charlie Swan said as he dropped the final box of Bella's belongings on her small twin bed. He ran a hand over his red face as he looked around the room. His baby girl was going to college.

"Thanks, Dad," Bella said from the corner of her dorm room. She was busy trying to hang up clothes in her matchbox of a closet.

"Honey, those aren't going to fit," Bella's mother said from her perch on top of the desk. Bella rolled her eyes and Charlie chuckled.

"A little help then, Mom?" Bella gestured to the mess of clothes she'd made. Renee rolled her eyes and moved to help, but was saved by Edward's excited voice as he burst into the room.

"Bella! I'm right down the hall! Seriously, I mean, like six doors down!" He grinned widely and Bella turned bright red. "Well… six doors and around the corner but still."

"Ahem," Charlie cleared his throat from behind Edward, who stiffened and turned with wide eyes.

"Oh, hey Chief," he shrugged sheepishly and Bella giggled at her boyfriend and father.

"Edward, don't make me kill you, huh?"

"I'll try, Chief," Edward grinned.

"We're going to get going, kiddo," Charlie said and Bella felt her eyes fill with tears. It was really happening. She was really on her own now. With Edward. Well, he was 'six doors and around the corner.'

"Thank you, Daddy," Bella hugged her father tightly, then her mother and walked them out of the building. When she returned she found Edward lounging on her bed, all the boxes moved to the floor. She shut the door behind her and pounced on him. He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her, deep and promising.

"I love you," he said and she felt her lips move involuntarily into a smile.

"I love you," she kissed his nose and he moved so they were lying facing each other. "What's that?" She grabbed a small box off her nightstand and leaned on her elbow to open it. Inside was a small velvet box holding a gold chain with a stunning sapphire pendant.

"Where did it come from?" Edward asked as he took the box from her shaking fingers. He removed the necklace from the box and moved so he could put it on her. Bella's fingers found the pendant and she touched it gently.

"It was my grandmother's. Mom must've left it," she said with misty eyes.

"It's very pretty. It looks amazing against your skin," he said as he placed a soft kiss on her collarbone. She slapped him playfully.

"Is that all you think about?" She pulled him into a kiss and they sank into the mattress, her hands wrapped around his neck, securing him to her.

He felt like she was holding him to the ground.

"No," he murmured. She felt his hands on her wrist and something soft and silk-like on her skin. "Mostly I think about being with you forever."

He moved his hands from her wrist and she pulled her arm back to see what he had done. The ribbon from her mother's gift was tied securely to her wrist.

"Forever?" She touched the ribbon and met his eyes, green with flecks of melted gold, and felt her insides go to absolute mush.

"And ever… and ever…" He captured her mouth with his again.

Soon, with the exception of a sapphire charm and a double-knotted ribbon, their bodies were void of clothes.

Boxes and scattered belongings were forgotten.

Nothing else mattered because they were in love.

And _nothing_ could come between them.


	3. The Decision

**Disclaimer: As always, Stephenie owns everything. **

**Additional disclaimer: If you have not done so already, _please _read the one shot entitled "Letters" in the story Mumbled Mumblings. I don't want any surprises here. So... carry on. **

**Thanks to IAmToWait for beta-ing and making these words better. **

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_Bella, _

_I want to be sorry for enlisting, I really do… but it's so hard to be. I wanted to do what was right for my country. I needed to. I didn't know how much it would come between us. _

She sat on the end of her bed clutching an old stuffed bear, her eyes glued to the television. It had been almost a month since the attacks on the World Trade Center but every station was still playing the events over and over again. She couldn't help but get wrapped up in it each time it came on. Though Bella had never been particularly patriotic it still broke her heart to think of the thousands of lives lost and everyone who lost family, too.

"Hi," Edward's voice was quiet as he entered the room. He sat behind her and positioned her between his legs so he could wrap his arms protectively around her. His lips found the back of her neck, just below the mess of brown curls she'd carelessly thrown into a ponytail.

"It's so awful," she whispered as she leaned into his body, letting his presence soothe and comfort her the way that it always did. "All those people are gone."

"They're talking about a war, you know," Edward said as he pulled her ponytail down and combed his lithe fingers through her hair. "That's what my dad says, anyways."

"I don't want to hear about it," Bella sighed and turned so she could bury her face in his shirt. The familiar scent of his soap helped to ground her and she was able to drown out the images from the television that she'd seen so many times it felt like they were ingrained in to her brain now. He held her tightly and fell backward onto the bed with their arms and legs still entwined.

Edward knew what he wanted to do. No, he knew what he _had_ to do. Thousands of people had died and he wanted to do something about it. He wanted to help. He wanted to be part of the solution.

"I'm thinking about signing up." Edward's voice was so low it could hardly be counted as a whisper. More like his breath made a noise that somehow sounded like words and the first crack of her fragile heart breaking at the same time.

"Don't you dare say that!" Bella released herself from his arms and sat up so she could see his face. She'd hoped that he would be smiling or even laughing, but he wasn't. His face was not set, not an ounce of hardness was there. Instead were the emerald eyes of a compassionate boy who didn't know what he was getting himself into.

"Tell me you're joking Edward," she said through clenched teeth.

When he didn't answer, she closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath.

"Edward, please. Please tell me you're joking," she whispered as tears threatened to spill behind her closed eyelids.

He didn't answer again and she forced her eyes open. Edward was sitting up next to her, his eyes focused on the television.

"Everyone's always pushed me to go to med school, did you know that?" He asked her, his voice as far off as his thoughts.

"Of course they have, Edward. It's what you want, too." She brushed her fingers through his hair, trying to bring him back to her.

"It's not." His voice was flat but his eyes were blazing as he turned to her. "I want to help people. People who can't afford it. And in the Army… I can do that."

"Edward, what are you saying? You've already looked into this? Without asking me?" Bella was hurt as she asked him, hoping for an answer different than the one he gave.

"I signed the papers this morning. I leave the day after Thanksgiving."


	4. The Difference

**Disclaimer: Stephenie owns them all. **

**Additional Disclaimer: If you have not read 'Letters' in Mumbled Mumblings yet, please do so. I don't want any surprises.**

**Eternal thanks to IAmToWait for doing what you do for me. **

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_Bella, _

_Do you ever miss me? Maybe I don't deserve to know… but it doesn't stop me from wondering._

Edward had been gone for three weeks. Three long and miserable weeks. At least, they were for Bella, and she could only imagine they were for him too. He hadn't been able to call or write yet, though she made sure he had everyone's address and phone numbers before he left.

The night before Edward left for basic training was filled with kisses, whispers, and tears. Sweaty bodies clinging to each other and vows of love repeated over and over.

The weeks _after_ he left were a different story. Bella was always distant and sad. Her friends tried desperately to pull her out of her depression, but she didn't budge. Bella didn't want to feel better. She knew that Edward must be miserable and she was determined to suffer with him.

"C'mon, Bella," Jessica had pleaded with her one Friday night. "It's a huge party and I don't want to go alone."

"Ask Angela," Bella replied as she absently flipped through her literature book.

"Ang has a date. Please, Bella? You haven't been out in weeks."

"I can't, Jess!" Bella threw her book down and glared at her friend. "What if Edward calls and I'm out? How do you think he would feel?"

Jessica waited a moment before answering.

"He'd be happy you weren't sitting here moping." She gave Bella one last long look before leaving Bella's room and closing the door behind her.

Bella couldn't help but think (only a little) that _maybe_ Jess was right. Maybe he _would_ be happy that she was out having fun instead of sitting by the phone waiting for him. She was always waiting for him.

She waited another two weeks before he actually _did_ call.

But when he did it was perfect. He told her how much he loved her and missed her and how miserable he was without her.

Bella felt better knowing he missed her but when he started talking about all of the friends he'd made her heart began to ache again. She tried to tell herself that he _had_ to make friends and it was good for him to have support… but she was jealous.

She was jealous that he had people supporting him while her friends were always angry with her. He was surrounded by people exactly like him: the drive to help, the fear of battle, knowing what it's like to be so far from home, knowing what it's like to leave the ones you love behind. Bella was surrounded by people who just didn't _get it_.

She was jealous that other people got to spend time with Edward while she sat all alone in her stupid little dorm room with no one.

"You should go out. I don't want you staying at home."

Bella rolled her eyes at that. Did he talk to Jessica before he talked to her or something? She didn't want to go out. Things like that just weren't fun without Edward; why didn't he get that?

"I don't want to."

"Bella," he sighed into the phone. She could practically see him: eyes closed tight, hand running through his hair. She smiled. _God_, she missed him.

Edward eventually talked Bella into spending more time with her friends. In exchange, he promised to write twice a week and call every Sunday until he graduated.

With each letter and phone call, they became more and more convinced that marriage was imminent for them.

But even though Bella knew what would eventually take place, it didn't help her to feel any different while Edward was gone.


	5. The Reunion

**Disclaimer: Stephenie owns everything, of course. **

**Thanks to IAmToWait for beta-ing and asking the hard questions. **

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_B-_

_I just miss you. So much. _

As the day of Edward's return neared, Bella only became more and more nervous. She couldn't take off from school to witness his graduation but he had called soon afterwards to let her know he was on his way home. On his way back to her.

They had planned to meet in Forks over the weekend so he would still be able to see his family. Of course, Edward had other plans. It was on a cloudy Friday morning that Bella walked back from an English class with Jessica, chatting happily and more lively than she had been in months.

Jessica stopped dead in her tracks, her mouth uncharacteristically silent.

"What?" Bella asked as she followed her friend's gaze to the front of their building.

A smile formed at the same moment as the tears welled and fell. Her books were on the ground and she was in his arms. It felt like it took her years to cross the ten feet between them because she could see every little change about him.

The hair which she loved to touch was cut short, the long waves gone. His green eyes were tired, older even. Edward even looked taller. He smelled the same, she noticed as her face was pressed to his neck.

"I missed you," he whispered, holding her impossibly tight. Bella could only nod, for the tears that had begun to fall had somehow stolen her voice. Edward pulled away and kissed her, soft and slow. It was then that she realized, in her frenzy to get to him, all her limbs were wrapped tightly around his body. His hands held a tight grip on the back of her thighs and heat coursed through her body as their mouths met, tongues and teeth and promises.

"Take me inside," she breathed when she finally found her voice. He gently set her down, taking only her hand and did as she asked. Once the door was closed her hands worked of their own accord on the Army greens he wore. He watched silently as she removed his clothes, wondering if it would _always_ be like this, if he'd always love her and want her this much. She knelt to unlace his boots and when she finally met his eyes he felt his heart stop. Yes, he would always feel this way.

Her clothes joined his in a puddle of light blue and denim and camouflage as their bodies melted together like they'd never been apart.

Soft hands and warm lips worshipped his body and he did the same for her. He valued each touch, kiss, and whisper and stored them in the back of his memory. Edward knew that their time was precious, limited even. He wanted to remember how she looked when they were like this, how it felt to be joined with her. Edward wished he could bottle up their passion and keep it locked away for a day when he would surely need a reminder.

He knew he'd entered into a career where any little bit of hope and happiness would somehow make his day. Of course, Edward didn't know how soon or how long he would have to depend on stored-up memories. But until then he was content with making them.

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**Thank you so much for reading. :)**


	6. The Undoing

**Disclaimer: Steph owns everything. **

**Thanks to my pretty IAmToWait. **

**XOXO**

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_My Bella,_

_It's amazing how much you invade my thoughts. Amazing and scary and not at all surprising. _

Edward left Bella with her ribbon tied tightly around his wrist and a smile on his face. He'd received his orders before graduation. He was to be stationed in Texas for schooling. They called his position a "Combat Medic." The term itself made Bella's stomach churn with worry.

Bella sent him off with salty kisses and a list of reasons why she loved him.

_#8: Anytime I chew the fruity Trident gum, I think of the first time you kissed me._

He smiled and tucked the list back into his breast pocket with her ribbon. Things had been especially rough for him today. Pictures of bodies and houses and… _everything_. Maybe he made a mistake. Maybe med school would have been better for him. He could take care of sick kids and drive a BMW like his dad. He could marry Bella and live in the suburbs. He could do all of that, right?

No.

He signed the papers.

He'd do his time.

Bella was proud of him and that's what mattered.

"Cullen!" He heard his name called as he trudged back to his barracks. He turned slowly, hoping it wasn't a superior as he was still unsure how to act around them.

"Yeah?" He kept walking as his friend jogged to keep up.

"We're going out tonight, you in?" Edward shrugged and looked at his watch. Bella would be getting out of class soon.

"Um… I guess? I'm not twenty-one so…" His friend laughed loudly as Edward's voice was lost in the dark parking lot outside their barracks.

"You have a military ID. That's all you need." The guy, Collins, slugged Edward on the shoulder as they entered the building and parted ways at the top of the stairs. "See you at eight?"

Edward nodded and went to his room. The twin bed was hard and cold, nothing like Bella's twin in her dorm room. Of course, she wasn't in it with him. He set his phone on the dresser and waited for her call.

But it never came.

So he left.

Edward met Collins at eight o'clock and they made their way to a bar in the small Texas town. Collins was right: Edward didn't need to be twenty-one to get in, or drink for that matter.

He also didn't need to be twenty-one to gain the attention of girls.

They were pretty.

And older.

And _not_ Bella.

As he waited impatiently for the phone in his pocket to buzz, he talked with one of them. Lauren. He remembered her name was Lauren. She was tan and blond with big blue eyes, the exact opposite of Bella. Edward couldn't wait to get away from her.

"I miss you," he breathed into the phone.

"Where are you?" Bella's voice made his chest ache.

"I'm out. I miss you," he repeated, needing her to know that he wasn't thinking about anyone but her.

"I wish I were there with you." Her words cut through him, searing down to his soul.

"I know. But you need to be there. You need to go to school, Bella." She sniffed quietly on the other end of the line and he sighed. Edward found a quiet spot outside and stayed on the phone with Bella until his friends came piling out of the bar. He whispered his love to her quickly and hung up.

"Where've you been, Cullen?" One of the other soldiers clapped Edward on the back as he joined the group.

"Phone call," Edward muttered quietly.

"This late? To who?" A girl's voice sounded through the small group and Edward recognized the girl to whom he'd been talking.

Edward thought for a moment as everyone's eyes turned to him. While in basic training, all the other guys could talk about was how many girls they would get, how ladies loved a man in uniform. Edward never commented because he didn't need to pick up girls. He had Bella and he would never need a cheesy pick up line or have a first date again. But Edward also needed friends and he didn't want to be teased like he had seen done to the others. He wasn't "pussy-whipped" or any of the other things that the guys had been called, but he didn't want to take the chance. He had endured enough teasing when her letters came and when he got to make phone calls.

"My mom. It's not as late in Washington," he said and he hoped they couldn't hear the guilt dripping from his voice.

Edward knew what he said wasn't fair to Bella. He knew it the moment the words fell from his stupid mouth and he saw the girl's eyes light up. But he didn't correct himself. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets where he found Bella's ribbon and fingered the frayed edge.

Slowly but surely, it was beginning to unravel and one sharp tug was sure to be the end of it. Bella didn't know that the tug would come in four very small but significant words just a couple of weeks later.

"_I'm going to Iraq." _


	7. The First Sign

**Disclaimer: Stephenie owns it all. I used to have some letters. **

**IAmToWait beta'd and made me feel. Damn you.**

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_Bella, _

_Nighttime is the worst. I think about all the nights we'd get tangled up in that little bed of yours and how much I hated the bed but loved the feel of you. I'd kill to be there right now. _

Edward leaving was something Bella had tried not to think about and, in turn, she thought about it constantly. Edward was only given a couple of month's time before deploying and, much to Bella's dismay, they didn't get a chance to see each other. With his training and her school schedule, not to mention working at the on-campus bookstore… there was no possible way.

In the short time before he left, Edward managed to rack up a seven hundred dollar phone bill. His mother let him pay her back weekly and as the days drew nearer Edward and Bella found themselves more and more reliant on the internet as a way of communication.

"It just feels weird," she complained one night as she fidgeted with a tiny earphone that refused to stay put.

"I know, but it is cheaper and we'll be able to talk this way while I'm gone, too," Edward reassured her.

"Fine," she grumbled into the microphone on top of her monitor and she heard Edward laugh softly. "What's so funny?"

"You should get a webcam, that way I can see you." He said innocently though Bella knew Edward well enough to know that he had an ulterior motive.

"Edward Cullen! I am _not_ going to have internet sex with you!" She cried and then burst out laughing because the idea was so absurd.

"Why not?" He whined through his laughter. "I'll be all alone in the desert, Bella. Don't you want to support your troops?"

"What if there are people around you?"

"Well, I won't do it if there are people around, crazy girl."

"You're insane." She smiled.

"You love me."

"I do."

xXxXx

"Bella!" Jessica called as she ran after her friend. Edward had been overseas for three months. She had spoken to him three times on the phone and a few more through the computer, sent him four care packages, seventeen letters, forty-two emails, and one dirty picture, but only because he asked.

She also hadn't spoken to him in nearly a week. It worried her to know he was in a dangerous area, especially if she wasn't able to talk to him. There had hardly been a day without an instant message (which usually went straight to her phone) and the abrupt stalling of communication made her sick to her stomach.

"Are you alright?" Jessica asked in a worried voice when she finally caught up with Bella. "You look sick."

"I'm fine. Just tired," Bella mumbled as she took the stairs to her next class two at a time.

"Have you talked to Ed-" Jessica started but the look in Bella's eyes caused her to silence herself, a large feat indeed for Jessica Stanley.

"I have to get to class," Bella replied tersely as she walked away.

Nearly a month passed and Bella's contact with Edward had become very minimal. He responded to emails with short, noncommittal words. Their spoken conversations over the computer were nearly obliterated and he seemed to sign out of his chat program every time she signed on.

Early on in the sixth month of Edward's deployment the contact stopped altogether. Bella feared the worst, so many scenarios running through her head and keeping her up until all hours of the night.

She checked her email daily – before and after class and work. Bella kept her instant messenger _always_ signed in and her cell phone in her pocket at all times.

It didn't matter how prepared Bella was because what she'd hoped for never came. For a solid month, after a brief conversation through instant messaging, Bella neither heard nor read one word from Edward.

On the rare occasion that Bella visited home she would run into Edward's mother.

"_He's been quite busy… he says to tell you 'hello,'" _Esme would say and Bella would die a little more inside.

Nearly nine months after Edward's deployment Bella had almost given up hope… almost. It was late as she returned to her building after class. She parted ways with an acquaintance (Bella rarely called _anyone_ 'friend' anymore) and made her way to her small room, anxious for sleep to take over and rid her mind of any thought.

But something stopped her dead in her tracks. Books tumbled to the ground and she felt like her heart dropped there, too. It was not a package at her door, nor a letter or even a Post-it. He was there, flesh and blood and smile and soul, leaning against the doorframe of her dorm room.

She practically threw herself into his arms, burying her face into the desert camouflage that covered his lean build.

"I've missed you," she whispered to his nametag, just above his heart. He kissed her hair as she opened the door. It was barely closed before he pulled her flush against him, his mouth covering hers, breathing in her air and making her his again.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured against her mouth. "I was so scared but… I wanted you so badly."

"Why were you scared?" She held his face in her hands, unable to control the tears that streamed down her cheeks.

"The guys there – they just talk so much. And – and they try to talk you _out_ of things and I listened and I'm just… I'm sorry." He kissed her again, harder and with more purpose. Part of Bella wanted him to stop and talk to her. She wanted to know _exactly_ what he'd been convinced of and how to make sure that it didn't happen again. The much larger part of Bella, of course, didn't care as long as he was in her arms.

"_You're_ what's important, not them. I meant it, Bella. I'm so, so sorry." He whispered against her mouth.

"I know." Bella replied. She didn't want to fight. There would be time to discuss his insecurities but it was not at that particular moment. Not the first moment that she'd seen him in months. _Edward_ was what was important, not his flaws. Edward and the fact that he was standing in front of her and that he was so very… _alive. _

That's how their weekend was spent. Being alive, in love, and completely wrapped up in each other.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?" Edward asked from his spot on Bella's bare stomach. She looked up from the book she was holding with one hand, the other was absently running through Edward's short hair.

"That depends." She sighed and set the book her nightstand.

"On?" He asked cautiously.

Bella smiled as she leaned forward causing Edward to leave his sweet refuge of her exposed skin. She stood on her knees in the middle of the bed and he looked up at her, the sunlight barely coming in through the closed blinds dancing red in her long brown hair. He smiled and reached out to touch her but she playfully slapped his hand away and slowly inched toward him.

"On whether or not you _really_ want to put on pants." She whispered as she settled herself in his lap.

"You… have a point." Edward's voice was low as their bodies found each other, pulled together like magnets searching for their mate.

They decided takeout was their best bet.

xXxXx

Bella could feel the little hole in her heart begin to heal during the short time she got to spend with Edward. Before he left on a bus to Forks for a brief stay at his parents', Edward wrapped Bella's ribbon around her wrist and kissed her until she couldn't breathe.

"You're stuck with me now, you know." And Bella just kissed him some more because she didn't want to be anyone else's.

"You'll _always_ be my girl." The words made Edward sound like he was living in some romance movie and Bella giggled and let him spin her around before he finally dragged himself aboard the bus.

She should have known that not all movies have happy endings.

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**Thank you so very much for reading. **


	8. The Goodbye

**Stephenie owns all things. **

**Thanks to IAmToWait. **

**Thanks to you for reading. This one was a bitch to write.**

**XOXO**

* * *

_Bella, _

_I hope that one day you get these letters. Life is so uncertain, especially in my line of work. I never know what will happen. I just hope you know that I'm sorry. I should have tried harder, been more of a man, and loved you the way you deserved. I won't write to you anymore. I've written a ton of letters and never sent them so there is really no point. I know I was wrong; I should have done this differently, done everything differently. _

_Just know that I _did_ love you. _

_And that I'm sorry. _

_Sincerely, _

_Edward_

After Edward returned back to his base, he kept his promise. He called daily, texted and emailed. It seemed like everything were going back to normal for the couple. Well, as normal as two young lovers who lived miles apart could be.

Bella's friends noticed the difference. They wanted to be around her again and for that she was grateful. Even though she had Edward back in her life, it was still very lonely with him so far away.

She spent most of her days working or going to class. Edward promised her they would be together soon, that he would marry her and they'd settle down and start a family. Who cared if they were young? Their parents had done the same thing.

When Edward started talking about a wedding, Bella started looking for a dress. She saved every penny she made and searched small, secondhand shops on the weekends. It was surprising what was given away in the big city of Seattle. After only a couple of weeks of searching she found something perfect. It was simple: white lace, short sleeves. It was _Bella._ She knew Edward would love it.

As the summer drew, near their conversations moved away from the future and closer to the 'here and now.' Especially where school was concerned.

"Maybe you can transfer here," he had said once during a late night phone conversation. His voice was thick with sleep and she wrote it off as a fantasy that lived in his subconscience.

Still, something in Edward's voice made her want to believe him, made her want to move to Texas. She would kill to switch schools, to be closer to him. Bella looked into transferring, spoke to her guidance counselor and began filling out paperwork.

As she did that, worked and attended classes, Edward trained for his next deployment and made new friends of his own. As her exams drew near she leaned on him for moral support, something Edward excelled at.

He always told her she was wonderful, always encouraged her and told her that she could do anything.

Always… almost.

As Bella poured over her books in the campus library, she continuously checked her phone, waiting for his call. He was scheduled to leave the next day for a month-long training out in "the field," as the soldiers called it.

Edward didn't call.

As she left the library, Bella finally mustered up the courage to call him, even though he promised to call her.

She could hear music and laughter in the background when he picked up.

"Yeah?" His voice was harsh, not like Edward.

"You didn't call." Tears pricked at her eyes and she blinked them away quickly.

"What are you, my mother? I don't _have_ to call you every fucking day," he whispered, though she could detect the annoyance in his voice.

"Well, you don't have to but you always do. And you're leaving for a month; I thought you might've wanted to talk to me."

"I'm with my friends, Bella. I'm not going to see them for a long time. I can't talk right now."

Bella opened her mouth to respond but realized that the line was dead.

Edward had hung up on her.

Somehow, Bella made it back to her dorm room. She curled up on her tiny bed and gripped her ribbon in her hand as her tears flowed freely. Edward had never spoken to her that way, never treated her with such discourtesy.

Bella slept through the alarm the next day and hardly made it to her final exam. A couple of weeks later she found out she didn't pass. It was her tears that convinced the professor to allow her a retake, though neither Bella's heart nor mind were really into it. Edward was not somewhere with phones or internet service. He was training for what it would really be like to survive in the desert. She had not heard from him since the night he hung up on her.

The next couple of weeks dragged by slowly. Edward was gone and Bella's friends saw the difference in her; they were getting good at recognizing when something was wrong. She refused to talk about it. Talking about it hurt too much. If she didn't talk about it then nothing was wrong.

After Bella discovered that she had somewhat redeemed herself on her failed exam, she felt a bit better. Things were looking up at school, so of course they must be looking up with Edward, too. She drudged home one day after working in the school bookstore and flipped on her desktop, hoping for an email or _something_ to show her that Edward was home. She desperately needed to hear his voice.

Bella sighed as her computer booted up. She was very impatient. Edward was supposed to be home already and she hadn't heard from him. She grabbed a snack as her internet connected and then logged into her MySpace page.

Her heart stopped.

_Edward Cullen is: glad to be back. Missing some ppl. _

When Bella's heart began beating again, it was flying. He was _back_. He missed _her._ Of course he missed her. She reached for her phone in an instant and dialed his number.

It rang.

Once.

Twice.

Voicemail.

He sent her to voicemail. Maybe he was busy. But… he had time to get on the internet so why couldn't he answer her call?

She called again and got the same response. Sent straight to voicemail. Maybe something was wrong; now Bella was worried.

Again and again she called and texted him but received no acknowledgement or response. Well, now she was angry. If he was home and had time to get on the internet then he should have two minutes to answer his damn phone.

So, Bella was smart. She blocked her number.

It rang.

Once.

Twice.

"Cullen."

"Oh, so you can pick up the phone when you don't know who it is, but not when it's me?"

"I gotta go."

And the line went dead.

It wasn't until hours later that Bella called again. She knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him that he _would not_ do this to her again. He would not make her feel worthless and make her cry herself to sleep. She wouldn't let him. Bella would give him the choice, all or nothing. Edward couldn't have it both ways.

She wrote down what she wanted to say and held it tightly as she dialed his number. What Bella wasn't prepared for was his words. She hardly got out her speech about how much she loved him, how she always wanted to be with him, how much it hurt when he treated her this way.

"I just can't believe this is happening again, Edw - "

Her words were stuck in her throat when his voice cut across hers, loud and clear.

"Bella, I need some time to think about our relationship."


	9. The End

**Disclaimer: Stephenie will always own them, I'll always love them.**

**Thanks to IAmToWait for beta'ing and for agreeing to jump on this crazy train. It's been fun. **

**I have an epilogue and one more chapter after this.**

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If Edward wanted time to think about their relationship then Bella would give it to him. She would not wait around forever, though. Bella made a point to get on with her life… kind of. Though hanging out with Jessica was fun, it didn't complete keep her mind off things. Every little thing reminded her of Edward. She even joined a weekly book club, but when the main character in the story's name was Edward she had to quit.

Things were hard for the first few days, of course. She stayed in bed and thought. A lot. Bella knew thinking about it would only make her feel worse, only make her want to talk to him even more. But she didn't.

Bella respected the time Edward needed to think. She worked and went to class, hung out with Jessica and talked to her mom. Renee was less than supportive when it came to Edward. She didn't think Edward's excuses were valid, but Bella didn't care. She was in love; she would wait.

Everyone would see that they would work.

But they didn't work.

Just a few short weeks after Edward said he needed time, Bella was surreptitiously checking his MySpace page. His relationship status was changed. The little word in the corner box stunned her, stopped her heart and made her blood run cold.

_Single_.

Was that really how it was going to end? She was going to learn of the termination of her relationship on the internet? The experience was unreal. Years of her life spent with this, this _boy_ and he breaks up with her over the internet?

Bella wasn't happy so she emailed him. She texted him. And then she called him. There was no response from Edward in any way, shape or form.

When depression hit Bella, it hit her hard. She felt everything tenfold. Anger and pain were the worst. Any small thing set her off, whether it was at work or school, friends or family.

She didn't want to think about anything or talk to anyone and why people insisted on asking if she was okay was a mystery. Bella was not okay. She would never be okay. If Edward didn't want to be with her then she didn't know who she was. He had been her whole life since they were kids. What was she supposed to do if he didn't love her?

Did he _ever_ really love her?

Did she even know what it meant to be loved someone? Would she ever?

Bella wanted the answers, she needed to know. So, she continued to call Edward. She continued her texts and emails with no response. Until one day she called and the phone picked up. Bella prepared herself to speak, knowing exactly what she wanted to say.

"Hello?" A quiet voice was on the other line and Bella lost her nerve.

"Esme?"

"Bella? Oh, Bella." Esme began to sob on the other end of the phone and immediately Bella feared the worst. Was it Bella's family? Carlisle? Was Esme herself sick?

"What is it?" Bella felt her heart throbbing in her chest. The seconds passed like hours while she waited for Esme's response.

"He's gone."

"What do you mean, 'gone'?" Bella didn't understand Esme sometimes. She could be very emotional and surely nothing bad had happened to Edward. He had, of course, probably been deployed again. That was no doubt why he wasn't answering Bella's calls or emails. It had to be.

"Dead. Edward is dead." Esme's voice was fuzzy as she explained further. He and his _girlfriend_ had gone to a movie. It was late. The roads were wet. There was nothing anyone could do. The girl was lucky to be alive.

_The girl._

Bella didn't care about any girl.

_Edward_.

Edward was gone. How could Edward be gone? If Edward was dead then surely she was, too. There was no way she could survive without him. Even in the months that they hadn't spoken at least she'd known he was alive.

But what now?

Now what was she supposed to do?

Maybe Esme was mistaken. Perhaps it was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe they were playing a joke on her!

And what a cruel, evil joke it would be.

But Bella knew it was no joke. Esme Cullen would never lie about her son in such a way.

The phone hit the ground and so did Bella's knees, then her hands, then her face. The floor swallowed her whole and she felt as if her heart had been savagely cut out of her chest while it was still beating.

It was hours before she resurfaced. The phone rang and rang but Bella didn't answer it. She didn't want to talk to them, anyone. She couldn't. What would she say?

_I'm fine. _

_It's okay._

_He's in a better place._

How was Edward in a better place if he weren't living and breathing and walking the earth?

Bella didn't know.

The next day her father showed up and held her while she cried. Then he packed her a bag and took her home.

For the funeral.

For Edward's funeral.

Bella sat between her parents as the only boy she'd ever loved was lowered into the ground. No matter what he'd done or how he'd acted – she'd always love him.

Even if he never really loved her.

"Bella?" A voice startled her as she stood under the shade of an old willow tree. People still milled around greeting members of Edward's family. Bella waited. She wanted to be alone with him.

"Yes?" She answered as she turned. Esme was there and a pretty girl stood behind her, a box in her hands.

"This was found in his closet." Esme gestured behind her and the girl held out the box and Bella took it, anxious to know its contents.

"Thank you," Bella whispered as she looked back at the people. Her father was waiting in the car for her so she decided she would visit some other time.

When she returned back to school Bella tried her best to be normal, but everything hurt. So very, very much.

The box was full of small, random things from their relationship: movie stubs and receipts from dates, little notes that Bella had sent while he was overseas… and letters.

A stack of letters to be exact. A stack that was tied together with the ribbon she'd slipped into the last care package she'd sent to Texas. The letters stayed on the nightstand, unopened for a week.

She thought about it every day but never opened them. Part of her didn't want to know what was in them. Maybe it was the truth that she'd been avoiding for months. Maybe he never really cared.

Bella's curiosity finally won out over her ignorance and she ripped the ribbon off and let it fall to the floor, just as he had carelessly tossed away their relationship. His elegant script mocked her as she shuffled through the envelopes, desperate to find the most recent one.

The paper gave way quickly to her anxious hands and she unfolded the thin piece of stationary inside. She read the words on the page over and over until her tears blurred the lines. The letter fell as her knees hit the ground and her voice repeated the only words he'd written in his final letter to her.

"I'm sorry."

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**Thanks for reading. **

**XOXO**


	10. The Beginning

**Disclaimer: Stephenie still owns everything.**

**IAmToWait beta'd, I edited. Any mistakes are mine.**

**This is the last chapter, I'm still working out if it needs and epilogue or not. Thank you all so much for reading.**

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_Dear Bella, _

_I can't apologize enough for hurting you. I keep writing to you; it's always the same words and I know I'll never send any of the letters. Maybe one day you'll read them and you'll know that I loved you but… I was so very stupid. I was afraid of how you made me feel. How it felt like you and I couldn't live without each other. It was scary considering what would happen to you had something ever happen to me. I listened too much to what others said and I thought I would be missing out on life if we got too serious. The only thing I missed out on was you. I'll never feel for anyone else what I felt for you. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I don't deserve to know… but I do hope that you're happy. _

_Love, _

_Edward_

Eventually Bella read all of the letters that Edward had written. While the letters helped her to understand why he acted the way he did, it still hurt. Bella knew from Edward's letters that he cared for her, loved her. What Bella couldn't comprehend was why he was so afraid, when she went into their relationship completely fearlessly.

After the initial shock of Edward's death, Bella would visit his grave twice a week – any day she had free from class or work. Her schedule and workload changed, and soon her visits became weekends only. Then she settled for once a month. For one day a month she would go and talk to Edward. Bella was slowly beginning to realize that it was better to spend wi the living, not the dead. She was starting the Master's Program at Washington State, she got a cat, Esme called her once a week, just to check in… Bella didn't date; she claimed she was too busy.

Edward would probably laugh if he knew she was there, talking to a stone – to his body in the ground while his soul was so far away. That was part of what made her go each month, the thought that he _did_ know. And that maybe, just maybe, he would have liked it.

Bella adjusted the bouquet of wildflowers she'd placed on Edward's headstone then stood and brushed the grass off her jeans. She touched the stone gently before turning to walk away. Living or not, Bella hated saying goodbye to Edward. Goosebumps rose on her skin and it wasn't until she reached for her car door that she turned around and realized she wasn't alone.

"Bella?" A young man asked. She wrapped her arms protectively around herself and nodded.

"Yes?" Her voice was small as he approached. He was nice looking with short blond hair, tanned skin and the bluest eyes she'd ever seen.

"I saw you, out there." He looked toward the cemetery and Bella noticed he had a small package of flowers in his hand and a small American flag. "At Edward's grave," he explained when she didn't respond.

"He was my friend," she said softly. The boy smiled.

"He talked about you a lot. I've seen your picture, that's how I knew it was you," he said as he held out his free hand. "I'm James Collins. We were in Iraq together."

"It's nice to meet you. I never met any of Edward's friends." She shook his hand and smiled at him but deep down she wondered if he was one of his friends back in Texas. If he was a friend that tried to get Edward into trouble.

"I've… I've never been here. I just got back from my second tour and my home base in is Virginia. I just – didn't know how to handle it."

Bella watched him fumble over his words and her heart broke again, only this time for someone else. She held out her hand again and he took it willingly. Together, they walked back to where their friend lay.

They sat and spoke to Edward for hours. Bella listened as James talked about Iraq and fought the urge to hold him close as he did. She watched him rake his hands through his short blond hair and wondered if it was as soft as Edward's.

When the sun began to set, they left the cemetery and anchored themselves on an old wooden bench at a park across the street. James noted the way the sun caught in Bella's hair and remembered a drunken Edward rambling about Bella in Iraq; Edward was right – the sun brought out the red highlights in her dark brown locks.

Bella listened to James talk about growing up in Virginia, how he only ever wanted to join the Army. She liked hearing about Edward and how brave he was when they were stationed in the desert. Bella also liked knowing that Edward spoke of her, showed her picture to people. It was that little bit of information that assured her he cared. As silly as it was, it helped her feel a little bit better about herself.

"We should go," Bella whispered as the park lights came out. She had nearly forgotten she was spending the night at her parents' home before going back to school the next day.

James nodded and stood, holding out his hand to her. She gladly took it and he pulled her into a hug once she was standing.

"Thank you," he whispered into her hair. She nodded against his shoulder and hugged him back just as tightly.

"Thank _you_," she replied honestly. Bella _was_ thankful. She was thankful for the reassurance that Edward did, in fact, love her. Something that she was scared had never been true at all.

They walked back to the parking lot, hand in hand, and when they parted he kissed her softly on the cheek before walking away.

"James?" She called and he turned quickly, almost eager to hear what she needed.

"Yeah?"

"I come out here on the first Sunday of the month. Maybe… if you'd like… we can meet? That way you don't have to do it alone."

"Oh. I'm heading back to Virginia tomorrow. But – can I call you? If I ever want to talk about him?" James' eyes were sad and he shoved his hands in his pockets.

Bella felt her heart drop a little. She'd already forgotten that he lived clear across the country. It had been so nice talking to someone who knew Edward differently than anyone else in her life that her memory seemed to escape her.

"Yeah. That would be nice." She reached into her bag and quickly wrote down her number on a scrap piece of paper.

"It was nice to meet you, Bella." James took the paper and folded it into a neat square before slipping it into his front pocket.

"You too." Bella smiled and got into her car. She felt lighter than she had in months.

She drove to her childhood home with the windows down and her hair blowing wild around her. Edward's ribbon caught her eye hanging from the rearview mirror. Bella carefully removed it and pressed it to her lips gently. It was time to let go.

"Goodbye Edward." She whispered as the silk slid through her fingers and into the wind.


	11. The Happily Ever After

**Disclaimer: Stephenie still owns as much as she did when I posted this morning. **

**THIS is the final chapter. **

**Thank you IAmToWait for encouraging me to extend the o/s 'Letters' and for pretty much holding my hand these few months. I've really enjoyed it. Now we just get more time to work on Accidental Atonement, yes?**

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_Dear Edward,_

_Thank you so much for the three of them. If I'd never loved you and subsequently lost you__, I would never have them. And I__ wouldn't trade them for the world._

_Love,__  
__Bella_

The sun rising over Virginia Beach was a beautiful sight, one that Bella had enjoyed very much for the past six years. Of course, on this morning the sight wasn't in the sky or the water. It was sitting in the sand, all pink ruffles and blond curls, rosy cheeks and shining blue eyes.

"I need more water, Daddy," her little voice demanded sweetly. Her daddy obliged even though he knew the sand would soon absorb anything he returned with. In a few minutes he would be running back to the water's edge with his daughter's little blue pail… again.

Bella watched from beneath the shade of a large umbrella. Her pale skin and swollen belly no match for a hot, southern summer day. She smiled as her husband lifted their daughter and carried her to the water. The two of them waved and grinned before challenging each other in a water fight. Emily would win. She always did when it came to battles with James.

True to his word on the day they met, James did eventually call Bella. It wasn't until Bella's college graduation, nearly a year later, that they finally saw each other again. He spent a week in Seattle with her and met her family and friends. When it was time for James to leave, Bella decided to go with him.

She never looked back. If Edward's death had taught her anything it was to not wait, to take the chances as they came. Nothing was certain in life so Bella wanted to make certain that she lived hers well.

Their relationship wasn't easy, but they were happy. _She _was happy. They survived two deployments before James was injured and honorably discharged from the Army. Emily was barely a year old at the time.

Bella was glad the sleepless nights were behind them. She could happily kiss her husband goodbye each morning and know that he would return safely to her at the end of the day.

As much as she loved James, it sometimes made her sad to think that there would be no green-eyed babies in her future. That she loved someone like Edward for so long and all she really had to show for it was a stack of letters and a wounded heart. Bella always tried to see the reasoning behind things, though. If Edward hadn't had died she would have never even met James. She would probably still be pining away for a boy who could never decide what he wanted.

Bella struggled to get to her feet as James and Emily made their way back to her. Her husband tried not to laugh as he helped her up and rubbed a wet hand over her belly. Their son would be joining them in a few short weeks. After months of fighting over names, James and Bella finally decided on one.

See, Edward was the reason for her happily ever after, just not in the way she'd ever thought he would be.

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**XOXO**


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